{"id":1222,"date":"2019-06-09T00:43:10","date_gmt":"2019-06-08T21:43:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/yesblog\/?p=1222"},"modified":"2024-08-31T14:16:43","modified_gmt":"2024-08-31T11:16:43","slug":"persembe-bolum-32","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-32\/","title":{"rendered":"Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 32"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"row\"><select onchange=\"document.location=this.value;\"\n            class=\"form-control pull-right\" style=\"background:#d7fcef; color:black; width:auto; min-width:200px; margin-right:20px;\">\n            <option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-1\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 1<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-2\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 2<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-3\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 3<\/option><option 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value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-36\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 36<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-37\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 37<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-38\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 38<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-39\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 39<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-40\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 40<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-41\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 41<\/option><option value=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-42\/\" >Per\u015fembe B\u00f6l\u00fcm 42<\/option><\/select><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Zeynep Rana Arman\nda kim? Hi\u00e7 sevmezdi b\u00f6yle \u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc isimleri. Zeynep Arman ol, Rana Arman ol ama\nZeynep Rana Arman nedir? Hiiiiiiii!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ellerini\nburnuyla a\u011fz\u0131na kapat\u0131p f\u0131rlad\u0131 sandalyeden Selen. G\u00f6zleri kocaman a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015f,\nakrep g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015f gibi isme bak\u0131yordu. Ekrana arkas\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Biraz ba\u015fka g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fc\nsoktu araya. Buzdolab\u0131\u2026 \u00dczerindeki magnetler. Paris. Paris iyiydi. Kule vard\u0131. Eiffel.\nNefes al. Pisa Kulesi. O da e\u011friydi. \u0130talya\u2019dayd\u0131. Of. Ablas\u0131. Of. Zeyra. Of.\nZeyra. Of. Of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00d6nce neden\ntitredi\u011fini merak etti. Bu isterik kahkahay\u0131 atan kad\u0131n da kimdi? \u00c7ok ay\u0131pt\u0131.\n\u00d6yle g\u00fcl\u00fcn\u00fcr m\u00fcyd\u00fc? K\u0131z uzayl\u0131 de\u011fildi elbette. Ne uzayl\u0131s\u0131 zaten can\u0131m? Uzayl\u0131\ndiye bir \u015fey mi vard\u0131? G\u00fclerlerdi adama. B\u00f6yle g\u00fclerlerdi. Kahkahalarla.\nDurmaks\u0131z\u0131n. Nefes almaks\u0131z\u0131n. Sonra da a\u011flarlard\u0131. Hayk\u0131ra hayk\u0131ra. Ac\u0131yla.\n\u00dcz\u00fcnt\u00fcyle. Yi\u011fit\u2019e \u00fcz\u00fclerek. Zeyra\u2019ya \u00fcz\u00fclerek. Kendisine \u00fcz\u00fclerek\u2026 A\u011flarlard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ne ara yere \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015f,\nbuzdolab\u0131na s\u0131\u011f\u0131nm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bilmiyordu. Y\u00fcz\u00fc kap\u0131s\u0131na dayal\u0131yd\u0131 ve so\u011fuktan ac\u0131maya\nba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Yi\u011fit\u2019in ruh halini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemiyordu. Ne hissetmi\u015fti acaba?\nAldat\u0131lm\u0131\u015f? Kullan\u0131lm\u0131\u015f?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ama nas\u0131l olur?\nOrtadan kaybolmalar\u2026 Yeniden g\u00f6r\u00fcnmeler\u2026 Yi\u011fit saf de\u011fildi. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden delili\nolmadan inanmazd\u0131 bu t\u00fcr \u015feylere. Yi\u011fit\u2019i nas\u0131l inand\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 Zeyra? Yani\nZeynep. Yani Rana. Of her ne boksa!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ya o? Selen\ng\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc Zeyra\u2019y\u0131. Normalden biraz farkl\u0131yd\u0131 sadece, o kadar. Yani\u2026 hasta\ndemezdi ona. Ho\u015f Selen bunu nereden bilsindi ki\u2026 Hasta m\u0131yd\u0131? Ruhsal bozukluk\u2026\nOnca sene Yi\u011fit\u2019i kand\u0131racak kadar\u2026 O zaman ya o d\u00f6rt pen\u00e7e? Onlar kimdi? Onlar\nneden Yi\u011fit\u2019i uyarmam\u0131\u015flard\u0131? Ya karde\u015fi? Ailece mi manyakt\u0131 bunlar? Bu k\u0131z\u0131\nneden bir ba\u015f\u0131na b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015flard\u0131? Anne baba neredeydi? Bunu Yi\u011fit\u2019e neden\nyapm\u0131\u015flard\u0131? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ah Yi\u011fit! Bunu nas\u0131l\nhazmedersin sen?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ko\u015ftu masaya,\noturdu. Yi\u011fit\u2019in bunun \u00fcstesinden nas\u0131l geldi\u011fi \u015fu an tek bilmek istedi\u011fi\n\u015feydi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sonraki yaz\u0131y\u0131 11\nMay\u0131s Cumartesi g\u00fcn\u00fcnde bulabildi. Korka korka ilk sat\u0131ra ili\u015fti g\u00f6zleri\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u0130nsanlar travma\nyaratabilecek etkisi olan herhangi bir haber ald\u0131klar\u0131nda be\u015f duygu a\u015famas\u0131ndan\nge\u00e7erlermi\u015f. \u0130nk\u00e2r. K\u0131zg\u0131nl\u0131k. Pazarl\u0131k. Depresyon. Kabullenme. \u00dcz\u00fcnt\u00fcn\u00fcn be\u015f\na\u015famas\u0131 deniyormu\u015f buna.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015feyin\ntravmatik oldu\u011fu konusunda kimsenin itiraz\u0131 olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sanm\u0131yorum. Yirmi y\u0131ldan\nbahsediyoruz. Yerinden oynayan tam yirmi y\u0131ldan\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u0130lk \u00fc\u00e7 a\u015famay\u0131\nseri bir \u015fekilde atlatm\u0131\u015f olan ben san\u0131r\u0131m \u015fu an depresyon ad\u0131m\u0131nda tak\u0131l\u0131p\nkald\u0131m. Profesyonel bir yard\u0131ma ihtiyac\u0131m oldu\u011fu \u00e7ok a\u00e7\u0131k. Ama ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\n\u015feyleri bir ba\u015fkas\u0131na anlatamayacak kadar utan\u0131yorum. Nas\u0131l derim? Ne derim?\nK\u0131z bana uzayl\u0131 oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yledi ben de inand\u0131m m\u0131? Bunu s\u00f6yledi\u011finde o be\u015f ben\nsekiz ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131k m\u0131? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yapamam. Toparlanmam\nuzun s\u00fcrecekse bile umurumda de\u011fil. \u00c7abucak toparlan\u0131p yeti\u015fmem gereken bir\nhayat\u0131m yok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Cengiz Arman\nofisime geleli yirmi g\u00fcn oldu. D\u00fcnyam yerinden oynayal\u0131\u2026 Hayat\u0131ma olan inanc\u0131m\u0131\nhepten yitireli\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yirmi y\u0131la yirmi\ng\u00fcn\u2026 Her g\u00fcn\u00fcnde bir y\u0131l\u0131 hazmedebilseydim ke\u015fke. Olmuyor. Hazmedilmiyor. \u015eu an\nt\u00fcm cevaplara sahibim ama fark etmiyor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yirmi iki ya\u015f\u0131na\ng\u00f6re fazlas\u0131yla olgun bir insan Cengiz. Ge\u00e7irdi\u011fim \u015foku anlay\u0131p \u00fczerime\ngelmedi. Sustu. Tam bir saat boyunca sustuk. S\u00f6yledi\u011fi tek bir \u015fey vard\u0131. \u201cSizi\ntan\u0131may\u0131 \u00e7ok isterim. Bir s\u00fcre buraday\u0131m. Ak\u015fam i\u00e7in program\u0131n\u0131z yoksa yeme\u011fe\nkat\u0131l\u0131r m\u0131s\u0131n\u0131z?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Cevap verip\nvermedi\u011fimi bile bilmiyorum. O an, ihanete u\u011fram\u0131\u015f oldu\u011fum duygusuyla ba\u015fa\n\u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum. Zeyra bana yalan s\u00f6ylemi\u015fti. Zeyra beni kand\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Yirmi\ny\u0131l\u0131m\u0131 olmasa bile son d\u00f6rt senemi benden alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00d6fke dipteydi. Zaman\u0131n\u0131\nbekledi\u011fini g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum. Ama \u015fa\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131k sahneyi b\u0131rakamamakta diretiyordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ofisten nas\u0131l\n\u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmiyorum. Selen masas\u0131nda yoktu. Ke\u015fke olsayd\u0131. Ke\u015fke onu\ng\u00f6rebilseydim. Ke\u015fke g\u00f6zlerine bakabilseydim. Bunu atlatabilece\u011fime inan\u0131rd\u0131m o\nzaman belki. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Parka gittim.\nBanka oturdum. D\u00fcnyayla ili\u015fi\u011fimi kesmeden \u00f6nce son yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m, babama \u015fehir\nd\u0131\u015f\u0131na \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131ma dair bir mesaj atmak oldu. Sonra telefonumu kapatt\u0131m. Sonra\u2026 Kendimi\nkapatt\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ak\u015fama kadar ne\nyapt\u0131m, ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm bilmiyorum. Tek ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131kmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m ihanetti. G\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn\n\u00f6n\u00fcnden Zeyra\u2019n\u0131n mimikleri, duru\u015flar\u0131, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 ge\u00e7ti. Parktaki, evdeki,\nyoldaki Zeyra. G\u00fclen Zeyra, susan Zeyra. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck Zeyra, b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f Zeyra. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hay\u0131r. \u0130hanet\nde\u011fildi. Ba\u015fka bir \u015feydi ama ihanet de\u011fildi. \u0130hanet de\u011filse, her \u015feyle ba\u015fa\n\u00e7\u0131kabilirdim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ak\u015fam y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc\nbah\u00e7eye d\u00f6n\u00fcp giri\u015fin a\u00e7\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131 sa\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda Zeyra bah\u00e7edeydi. Beni g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde\ny\u00fcz\u00fc \u0131\u015f\u0131ldad\u0131. Beklemiyordu. Per\u015fembe g\u00fcnlerindeki park rit\u00fcelimiz d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda bir\naraya gelme \u00e2detimiz yoktu. Bu y\u00fczden tepkisi ger\u00e7ekti. Mutlu olmu\u015ftu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u0130hanet de\u011fildi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yan\u0131na gitmemi\ng\u00fcl\u00fcmseyerek bekledi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cSevgi ilk defa\nayn\u0131 koordinata birikti.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Zihnim t\u0131k\u0131r\nt\u0131k\u0131r \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00d6ncelikle y\u00fcz\u00fcmde hi\u00e7 ifade olmamas\u0131na verdim b\u00fct\u00fcn dikkatimi. Sonra\nbulmacay\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6zd\u00fcm. Cengiz ve ben ilk defa Zeyra\u2019n\u0131n yan\u0131nda bir araya gelmi\u015ftik.\nErkek karde\u015fi ve benim onda uyand\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z duygu\u2026 sevgi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">G\u00fcl\u00fcmsedim.\n\u0130hanet duygusu i\u00e7imden sonsuza dek \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p gitti. Yerini korku ald\u0131. Zeyra\u2026 hasta\nm\u0131?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Onunla birlikte\neve y\u00fcr\u00fcrken, hasta olman\u0131n ne demek oldu\u011funu alg\u0131lamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Zihnen\nhasta. \u015eizofren gibi. Ya da isimleri manik, depresif, \u015fizoid, obsesif gibi bir\n\u015feyler olan hastal\u0131klar. \u0130yile\u015febilen ya da hi\u00e7 iyile\u015femeyen hastal\u0131klar\u2026 Benimle\nayn\u0131 boyutta var olamamas\u0131na neden olan hastal\u0131klar. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nefesim kesildi.\nDurup ard\u0131ndan bakt\u0131m. Hay\u0131r. Bu olmas\u0131nd\u0131. Ben ihanetle bir \u015fekilde ba\u015fa\n\u00e7\u0131kman\u0131n yolunu bulurdum. Zeyra hasta olmas\u0131nd\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yan\u0131ma gelip\nelimden tuttu ve acele ad\u0131mlar\u0131na ayak uydurmam\u0131 sa\u011flad\u0131. Eve girdi\u011fimizde\nkarde\u015finin ve pen\u00e7elerden birinin bir koltukta oturdu\u011funu g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Beni g\u00f6r\u00fcr\ng\u00f6rmez ayakland\u0131lar. Cengiz mutlu oldu\u011funu belirten bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemeye sahipti,\npen\u00e7e her zamanki gibi donuktu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cCenz, kocamla\ntan\u0131\u015f!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sevecen bir\ng\u00fcl\u00fcmsemeyle ablas\u0131na bak\u0131p elini uzatt\u0131 Cengiz Arman. \u201cBiz tan\u0131\u015f\u0131yoruz abla.\nBug\u00fcn gidip onu yeme\u011fe davet ettim.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ellerini \u00e7\u0131rpt\u0131\nZeyra. \u00c7ocuk gibi. Mutlu, co\u015fkulu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Pen\u00e7eler\netraf\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 sar\u0131p bizi yemek i\u00e7in haz\u0131rlad\u0131klar\u0131 bir ba\u015fka salona g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcler. Bu\nevde b\u00fct\u00fcn odalar salondu. Benim yatt\u0131\u011f\u0131m hari\u00e7. Bir tek oras\u0131 bir odayd\u0131,\ndi\u011fer hepsi salondu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u015eimdi bu nas\u0131l\nanlat\u0131l\u0131r? Yirmi g\u00fcn \u00f6ncesinde <em>Zuzayl\u0131\nStyle<\/em> desem \u00e7ok rahat anla\u015f\u0131l\u0131r, hayal ve kabul edilirdi. \u015eimdi, \u00e7a\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\nmimarisinin s\u0131n\u0131rl\u0131 hayal g\u00fcc\u00fc i\u00e7erisinde bunu anlatacak kelimem yok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hep ayn\u0131 salona,\nfarkl\u0131 kap\u0131lardan, farkl\u0131 mobilya bile\u015fiminde girmek gibi. Odalar o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck\nki ben hepsini salon san\u0131yorum. Ve kap\u0131lar o kadar yak\u0131n ki, ben hep ayn\u0131\nsalona girdi\u011fimi san\u0131yorum. \u00d6yle bir \u015fey i\u015fte\u2026 Hayal g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fcn geni\u015fli\u011fine\nkalm\u0131\u015f. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Bir aile\nyeme\u011findeymi\u015f\u00e7esine herkes oturdu masaya. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck karde\u015f benimle bir iki sohbet\ngiri\u015fiminde bulundu. Benim ise sesim yoktu. Kelimelerim t\u00fckenmi\u015fti. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Benim i\u00e7in\nkonu\u015fma de\u011fil, anlam bulma zaman\u0131yd\u0131. Hayat\u0131mdaki dengeler bozulmu\u015ftu. \u00d6nceden\nyerli yerine oturan \u015feyler \u015fimdi e\u011freti kalm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. \u0130\u00e7im rahat de\u011fildi. \u00d6yle\nya, ger\u00e7ek olmayan bir d\u00fczlemdeki t\u00fcm dengeler m\u00fckemmel bir bi\u00e7imde\nbirbirlerini tamamlarken, ger\u00e7ek olmas\u0131 gereken d\u00fczlemde birbirlerine\n\u00e7arp\u0131yorlard\u0131. Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey tutarl\u0131 de\u011fildi. Mant\u0131kl\u0131 ya da mutlu da de\u011fildi.\nBo\u015flukta as\u0131l\u0131 kalm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. Ben gibi kaybolmu\u015flard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Belki bir t\u00fcr\nprotesto gibi alg\u0131lam\u0131\u015flard\u0131r\u2026 Konu\u015fmayan bir Yi\u011fit \u00dcnsal. Adam Nuh da demiyor,\npeygamber de\u2026 Ne Cengiz\u2019e ne Zeyra\u2019ya iki kelam ediyor. Sadece\u2026 Sadece bak\u0131p\nizliyor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Belki kendimi\ndaha fazla aptal yerine koydurmamak i\u00e7in bilin\u00e7alt\u0131m\u0131n se\u00e7mi\u015f oldu\u011fu bir yoldu bu.\nSusmak, aptall\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131z\u0131 biraz olsun \u00f6rtebilir. Ya da en az\u0131ndan ayakalt\u0131ndan\nkald\u0131rabilir. Birileri sizi karizmatik falan san\u0131r. Susmak, engin bir safl\u0131\u011f\u0131\nkamufle eder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yemek bittikten\nsonra vedala\u015f\u0131p evime falan gitmedim. Kimseye bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeden sandalyemden\nkalk\u0131p bah\u00e7eye \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Tek ba\u015f\u0131ma saatlerce oturdum. Dayanamaz hale geldi\u011fimde\ndaha \u00f6nce yatm\u0131\u015f oldu\u011fum odaya gidip yatt\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ertesi g\u00fcn yine\u2026\nVe yine\u2026 Ve yine\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Zeyra\u2019n\u0131n hep\nyak\u0131nlar\u0131mda oldu\u011funu hissediyordum. Kendini belli etmeden\u2026 Hay\u0131r. Varl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile\nbeni rahats\u0131z etmeden bir yerlere ili\u015fiyordu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Derken bir ak\u015fam\nCengiz Arman bah\u00e7ede yan\u0131ma gelip oturdu. Zeyra yine biraz uzakta, basama\u011fa\noturmu\u015ftu. Pen\u00e7eler de onun yan\u0131na dizilip oturdular. Komikti. Ortamdaki herkes\nbeni huzursuz etmemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r gibi parmak u\u00e7lar\u0131nda ya\u015famay\u0131 kabullenmi\u015fe\nbenziyordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">O gece, sabaha\nkadar konu\u015ftu Cengiz Arman. Kimi zaman pen\u00e7eler girdi lafa. Sadece kendilerini\nilgilendiren a\u00e7\u0131klamalarda\u2026 Zeyra sustu. Ben sustum. Bir iki soru sorman\u0131n\nd\u0131\u015f\u0131nda ben dinledim, Zeyra beni izledi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nas\u0131l\ntoparlayabilirim saatlere yay\u0131lan o hik\u00e2yeyi?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kendisiyle\nba\u015flad\u0131 Cengiz. \u00c7i\u00e7e\u011fi burnunda bilim adam\u0131\u2026 Babas\u0131n\u0131n o\u011flu. Baba, Kemal Arman.\n2000 y\u0131l\u0131nda kar\u0131s\u0131 Asuman Arman ile bir u\u00e7ak kazas\u0131nda hayat\u0131n\u0131 kaybeden \u00fcnl\u00fc fizik\u00e7i.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">G\u00f6zlerim hemen\nZeyra\u2019y\u0131 yakalad\u0131. 2000 y\u0131l\u0131nda \u00f6len babay\u0131 m\u0131 bekliyorduk biz? O bilmiyor\nmuydu? \u015eimdi mi \u00f6\u011freniyordu? Ama hi\u00e7 de \u015fa\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015f g\u00f6r\u00fcnm\u00fcyordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kaza Amerika\u2019da\nolmas\u0131na ra\u011fmen burada da b\u00fct\u00fcn gazetelerde yer alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc on iki ya\u015f\u0131ndaki\nk\u0131zlar\u0131 Zeynep Rana ile dokuz ya\u015f\u0131ndaki Cengiz\u2019e b\u00fcy\u00fck bir servet kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Baba\nile \u015firkette ortak olan amca Zafer Arman, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n bak\u0131m\u0131n\u0131 \u00fcstlenmi\u015fti. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Bu k\u0131s\u0131mda\nCengiz\u2019in g\u00fcl\u00fcmseyerek sevgi ve sayg\u0131 ile Zaer\u2019e bakmas\u0131, ad\u0131 ge\u00e7en amcan\u0131n kim\noldu\u011funu g\u00f6sterdi bana.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Babamla annemin\no g\u00fcnlerde \u00e7ok \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fcklerini hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. Ben mi? Umursamam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Be\u015f senedir\nannemin kanserinin tedavisi, b\u00fct\u00fcn felaket kapasitemi t\u00fcketti\u011finden\nba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n felaketiyle hi\u00e7 ilgilenmemi\u015ftim. Bu s\u0131ralarda asl\u0131nda benim\ngelece\u011fimin \u00e7iziliyor olu\u015fu da hi\u00e7 akl\u0131ma gelmemi\u015fti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Zeyra ve\u2026 Zeynep\nRana ve Cengiz birbirlerine hi\u00e7 benzemiyorlard\u0131. Simsiyah sa\u00e7lar\u0131 ve g\u00f6zlerine\nra\u011fmen beyaz olan Zeyra, siyah olan Cengiz\u2019di sanki. Zeyra\u2019n\u0131n babas\u0131n\u0131\ng\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcm. Cengiz ona benziyordu. Demek Zeyra\u2019da annenin genleri a\u011f\u0131r\nbas\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Buna ra\u011fmen, Cengiz\u2019in\nannesinden bahsederken onu hi\u00e7 Zeyra ile yan yana getirmemi\u015f olmas\u0131, giderek\ndikkatimi \u00e7ekmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cAnnen ablan\u0131\nsever miydi?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Bu soruma\n\u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131p g\u00f6zlerini ka\u00e7\u0131rmas\u0131 dikkatimden ka\u00e7mad\u0131. D\u00f6n\u00fcp Zeyra\u2019ya bakt\u0131,\nkar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131nda ondan bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme ald\u0131. \u0130ki karde\u015f\u2026 iki ruh birbirlerine\nkar\u0131\u015f\u0131rken, \u201cBeni sevdi\u011fi kadar de\u011fil.\u201d dedi. O an iki dili birden konu\u015ftu\u011funu\nanlamam zor de\u011fildi. O d\u00f6rt kelime Asuman Arman\u2019\u0131n Zeyra\u2019y\u0131 sevmedi\u011fini\ns\u00f6ylerken, ayn\u0131 anda Cengiz\u2019in ablas\u0131n\u0131 annesinin yerine de sevdi\u011fini\ns\u00f6ylemi\u015fti. Zeyra, annesinin sevgisizli\u011fini bu y\u00fczden hi\u00e7 hissetmemi\u015fti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ka\u015flar\u0131m\u0131\nkald\u0131r\u0131nca devam etti. \u201cKonu\u015fulmu\u015f bir \u015fey de\u011fil bu\u2026 \u00c7ocukken hissettiklerim,\ng\u00f6zlemlerim. Ama Zeyra ne zaman bir \u015fey s\u00f6yleyecek olsa, onu dinlemek yerine\nsustururdu. Ablamla oyun oynarken beni sanki \u00f6zellikle onun yan\u0131ndan al\u0131p ya\nbanyoya sokar ya al\u0131\u015fveri\u015fe g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcrd\u00fc. Birlikte olmam\u0131z\u0131 istemezmi\u015f gibi\nhissederdim. Ablamla olabilmek i\u00e7in anneme numara yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bile hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOna Zeyra\ndiyorsun.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">G\u00f6zlerinin i\u00e7i\ng\u00fcld\u00fc. \u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc o \u00f6yle diyor. O, ad\u0131n\u0131n Zeyra oldu\u011funu ve Aremp galaksisinden\ngeldi\u011fini s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cZeyra\u2026\u201d bir an\nkarars\u0131z kal\u0131p k\u0131z\u0131n g\u00f6zlerine bakt\u0131m\u2026 O bana g\u00fcl\u00fcmserken, \u201cneden b\u00f6yle bir\ngalaksi uyduruyor?\u201d sorum, g\u00fcl\u00fcmseyi\u015finde en ufak bir bozulmaya neden olmad\u0131.\nBence o benim her d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncemi okuyabiliyordu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hala onun bir\n\u015fekilde Aremp\u2019ten gelmi\u015f oldu\u011funa inan\u0131yor gibiydim. Aksi durumda Cengiz \u015fimdi\nonun \u015fizofren oldu\u011funu, deli oldu\u011funu\u2026 ad\u0131 neyse\u2026 onu oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yleyecekti\nbana. Kendimi haz\u0131rlad\u0131m. Bunu duymak i\u00e7in cevab\u0131 dinledim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cUydurmuyor ki.\nO galaksinin varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ablam ba\u015f\u0131ndan beri s\u00f6yl\u00fcyormu\u015f ve on iki ya\u015f\u0131nda da\nispatlam\u0131\u015f. Babamlar kaza ge\u00e7irdiklerinde bunun sunumunu yapmak \u00fczere bir\nkonferansa gidiyorlard\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ne?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYi\u011fit\u2026 Baz\u0131\ninsanlar\u0131n beyinleri di\u011ferlerinden farkl\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131r. Ablam onlardan biri. D\u00fcnya\n\u00fczerinde zek\u00e2 seviyesi onun d\u00fczeyinde olan bir insan bulundu\u011funu sanm\u0131yorum. \u015eu\nan, babamdan bize kalm\u0131\u015f olan \u015firketin b\u00fct\u00fcn bulu\u015flar\u0131 ablama ait.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Oh Tanr\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cPatenti\nal\u0131nanlar, sadece y\u00fczde biri. Dikkat \u00e7ekmemek i\u00e7in, Yavuzer, Re\u015fat ve Mehmet\nAbi de Zafer Amcam ile birlikte bunlar kendilerinin bulu\u015fuymu\u015f gibi\ndavran\u0131yorlar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sa\u00e7ma. Sa\u00e7ma.\nSa\u00e7ma\u2026 Bunlar\u0131n hepsi \u00e7ok sa\u00e7ma. Zeyra uzayl\u0131 olsayd\u0131 normal olacakt\u0131 ama\nd\u00fcnyal\u0131 olunca sa\u00e7mala\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Y\u00fcz\u00fcmdeki\nkarma\u015fa beni her neye \u00e7evirdiyse, Zeyra yerinden kalk\u0131p yan\u0131ma geldi.\nAyaklar\u0131m\u0131n yan\u0131na, yere oturdu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201c\u00dc\u00e7 kere be\u015f?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On be\u015f. Refleks\nolarak cevab\u0131 y\u00fcksek sesle vermi\u015ftim bile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOtuz kere y\u00fcz\nyirmi sekiz?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Imm\u2026 \u00dc\u00e7le \u00e7arp\u0131p\non kat\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yleyebilirim. Y\u00fcz, iki y\u00fcz, \u00fc\u00e7 y\u00fcz, altm\u0131\u015f, yetmi\u015f, seksen d\u00f6rt, \u00fc\u00e7\nbin sekiz y\u00fcz k\u0131rk. S\u00f6ylemedim ama cevab\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201c\u00dc\u00e7 bin sekiz\ny\u00fcz k\u0131rk \u00e7arp\u0131 bin sekiz y\u00fcz elli yedi?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Rakamlar\u0131\ng\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcne bile getiremedim ki ben sonucunu bileyim\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYedi milyon y\u00fcz\notuz bin sekiz y\u00fcz seksen.\u201d Dinlemedim gerisini. Rakamlar b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc. Milyarlar, trilyonlar,\nkatrilyonlar, kentilyonlar ya da her ne haltsa\u2026 Benim anlamam gereken tek \u015fey,\nZeyra i\u00e7in bunun bir oyun oldu\u011fuydu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBu say\u0131, \u0131\u015f\u0131k\nh\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n\u2026\u201d Anl\u0131yormu\u015f gibi yapmama bile gerek yok. Kimse benden bunu beklemiyor.\nGaliba rakamlarla bana Aremp galaksisinin varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 nas\u0131l ispatlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 falan\nanlat\u0131yordu. Ya da ben \u00f6yle oldu\u011funu sand\u0131m. Sanacak ba\u015fka bir \u015feyim yok ki.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kurabiye tarifi\nverir gibi rahatt\u0131. Seyrettim. G\u00f6zlerini g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Konu\u015furken, i\u00e7indeki \u0131\u015f\u0131klar\u0131\u2026\nBilgisayar gibi\u2026 Devreler\u2026 Diyotlar\u2026 Bilgiler \u0131\u015f\u0131k h\u0131z\u0131nda siyah g\u00f6zlerin\ni\u00e7inde ak\u0131yordu. Bir de mutluluk. Konu\u015furken mutluydu. Hem de hi\u00e7 g\u00f6rmedi\u011fim\nkadar. B\u00fct\u00fcnd\u00fc. Tamamlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. O b\u00f6yle var oluyordu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">G\u00f6zlerim di\u011fer\nadamlara kayd\u0131. Bir rock y\u0131ld\u0131z\u0131na hayranl\u0131k duyar gibi i\u00e7iyorlard\u0131 her notas\u0131n\u0131.\nTek bir rakam\u0131 ka\u00e7\u0131rmadan\u2026 Tek bir kelimeyi atlamadan\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Onlar\nanl\u0131yorlard\u0131, Zeyra ise buluyordu. Ben? Ben hi\u00e7tim. Ama bir \u015fey olmam\ngerekmiyordu \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu benim konum de\u011fildi. Ben az de\u011fildim, onlar fazlayd\u0131. \u00c7ok\nfazla. Tamam. Umurumda de\u011fildi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201c\u0130\u015fte b\u00f6yle\nyaln\u0131z\u0131m.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ne? Ne ka\u00e7\u0131rd\u0131m\nben? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBir s\u00fcre\nsonra\u2026\u201d pen\u00e7eleri i\u015faret etti, \u201conlar da anlam\u0131yor. \u0130\u015fte o zaman evrende\nkendimi yapayaln\u0131z hissediyorum. Ba\u015f\u0131m a\u011fr\u0131yor. Ba\u015f\u0131m zonkluyor. \u0130\u00e7inde d\u00f6n\u00fcp\nduran bilgileri s\u00f6yleyememek beynimi patlayacakm\u0131\u015f gibi hissettiriyor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Oh Tanr\u0131m!\nAnlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Teoremleri ya da andesilyon, dodesilyonlar\u0131 de\u011fil ama\u2026 Zeyra\u2019n\u0131n\nnas\u0131l bir yaln\u0131zl\u0131k i\u00e7inde olabilece\u011fini anlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cA\u011fr\u0131 \u00e7ok\nartt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda\u2026 i\u015fte o zaman seni d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. G\u00f6zlerin, bana bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n, sevgi dolu\nolu\u015fun, beni hi\u00e7 b\u0131rakmay\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u2026 Bu matematik de\u011fil. Bu, matemati\u011fin aczi. Seni\nmatematikle a\u00e7\u0131klayam\u0131yorum. Rakamlarla tan\u0131mlayam\u0131yorum. O zaman\u2026 Senin benden\nfazla oldu\u011funu anl\u0131yorum. Daha ileride, daha y\u00fcksekte\u2026 O zaman\u2026 yaln\u0131zl\u0131k\nduygum kayboluyor. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sen vars\u0131n. Benden iyisi. Benden fazlas\u0131\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dizlerinin \u00fczerinde dikilip elini yana\u011f\u0131ma koydu. \u201cBunu benim ruhuma i\u015fledi\u011finde be\u015f ya\u015f\u0131ndayd\u0131m. Ger\u00e7ekli\u011fini zihnime kaz\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131nda da yirmi. Bedenin benimle olmasa bile, art\u0131k yaln\u0131z hissetmem ben. Art\u0131k korkmam. Bunun i\u00e7in sana \u00e7ok te\u015fekk\u00fcr ederim.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\"><nav aria-label=\"Page navigation\" class=\"text-center\"><ul class=\"pagination pagination-sm justify-content-center\"><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-1\/\" class=\"page-link icon-link\">&laquo;<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-41\/\" class=\"page-link icon-link\">&lsaquo;<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-38\/\" class=\"page-link\">38<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-39\/\" class=\"page-link\">39<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-40\/\" class=\"page-link\">40<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-41\/\" class=\"page-link\">41<\/a><\/li><li class=\"page-item active\"><span class=\"page-link\">42<\/span><\/li><li class=\"page-item disabled\"><span class=\"page-link icon-link\">&rsaquo;<\/span><\/li><li class=\"page-item disabled\"><span class=\"page-link icon-link\">&raquo;<\/span><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-8f761849 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-31\">\u2190<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"has-text-align-right wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/yesimcim.com\/wp\/persembe\/persembe-bolum-33\">\u2192<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Zeynep Rana Arman da kim? 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